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I take absolutely no responsibility for these jokes whatsoever. I did not create them, I am only providing a means for others to enjoy them. None of the humor on this page is placed here with the intent to offend, hurt, or otherwise be detrimental to others. This page has refrained from ethnic humor for these exact reasons. By viewing this page, you are agreeing to read these jokes at your own discretion. Credit to the original author or supplier has been given when known. Un-credited material is an indication of an unknown source, author, or contributor.



Things I MUST Remember As A Dog

  1. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
  2. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
  3. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa or under the bed.
  4. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.
  5. I will not eat the cats' food, before they eat it or after they throw it up.
  6. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to get sick.
  7. I will not throw up in the car.
  8. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. just because I like the way they smell.
  9. "Kitty box crunchies," although they are tasty, are not food.
  10. I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
  11. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
  12. I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
  13. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
  14. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
  15. We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
  16. I will not steal my mom's underwear and dance all over the backyard with it.
  17. The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & dad's laps.
  18. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
  19. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for mom's driver's license and car registration.
  20. I will not play tug-of-war with dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
  21. I will not eat mint flavored dental floss out of the bathroom garbage and therefore avoid having a string hanging out of my butt.
  22. I will not use "roll around in the dirt" as an option after just getting a bath.
  23. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying hello.
  24. I will not hump on any person's leg just because I thought it was the right thing to do.
  25. I will not fart in my owners face while sleeping on the pillow next to their head.
  26. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.
  27. The toilet bowl is not a never ending water supply and just because the water is blue, it doesn't mean it is cleaner.
  28. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is over
  29. Suddenly turning around and smelling my butt can quickly clear a room.
  30. The cat is not a squeaky toy so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

ID: 279 Category: Animal   Maturity Rating: PG-13   Format this joke for printing

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