Laughter IS The Best Medicine

The Rock's Joke Page


I take absolutely no responsibility for these jokes whatsoever. I did not create them, I am only providing a means for others to enjoy them. None of the humor on this page is placed here with the intent to offend, hurt, or otherwise be detrimental to others. This page has refrained from ethnic humor for these exact reasons. By viewing this page, you are agreeing to read these jokes at your own discretion. Credit to the original author or supplier has been given when known. Un-credited material is an indication of an unknown source, author, or contributor.

For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously

  1. Save the endangered species. Collect the whole set.
  2. A day without sunshine is like, night.
  3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
  4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
  5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
  6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
  7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
  8. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
  9. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
  10. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
  11. Remember half the people you know are below average.
  12. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
  13. Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.
  14. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  15. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
  16. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
  17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
  18. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
  19. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
  20. I intend to live forever - so far so good.
  21. Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.
  22. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends
  23. Mind like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.
  24. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
  25. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
  26. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
  27. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
  28. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
  29. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
  30. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
  31. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
  32. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
  33. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
  34. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
  35. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
  36. The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.
  37. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
  38. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
  39. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
  40. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
  41. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
  42. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
  43. Two wrongs are only the beginning.
  44. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
  45. The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
  46. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  47. Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
  48. Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!
  49. Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
  50. Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
  51. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
  52. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.
  53. Every time I learn something new it pushes some of the old stuff out of my brain!

ID: 6 Category: General   Maturity Rating: PG-13   Format this joke for printing

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Copyright © 2011, 2002 – Derek "The Rock" Altamirano – All Rights Reserved, but all wrongs avenged!

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