Laughter IS The Best Medicine

(Editors note: I don't know if this is more funny or sad...)

On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me:

TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,
ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note),
TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,
NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,
EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,
SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,
SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products,
FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration,
(NOTE: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)
FOUR hours of recorded whale songs
THREE deconstructionist poets
TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses
AND a Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.

An old cowboy went into a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows." He then asked her what she was.

She replied, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women. When I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women! "

A little while later a couple sat down next to the old cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

A woman and her friend are visiting the zoo. They are standing in front of the big silver back gorillas cage, when one woman makes a gesture that the gorilla interprets as an invitation. He grabs her yanks her over the fence and takes her to his nest in the pen. There he ravishes her and makes passionate love to her for about 2 hours till he is tranquilized, and the lady taken to hospital. Her friend visits her the next day and asks, "Are you hurt?" She replies, "Of Course I'm hurt, He hasn't called! He hasn't written!"

The Brooklyn Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were protecting. Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use a deaf person for this job. Using Mafia reasoning, they figured if he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.

Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picked up well over $50,000. Foolishly, he got greedy and decided to keep the money. He then stashed it in a safe place.

The Mafia soon realized that their collection money was late. The godfather sent a couple of his toughest hoods after the deaf collector. When the hoods found the deaf collector they asked him where the money was.

The deaf collector couldn't communicate with them, so the hoodlums dragged the guy to a local Brooklyn interpreter.

The Mafia hood said to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is."

The interpreter signed, "Where's the money?"

The deaf man replied, "I don't know what you're talking about."

The interpreter told the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The hoodlum pulled out a .38 pistol and placed it in the ear of the deaf collector. "Now ask him where da money is."

The interpreter signed, "Where is the money?"

The deaf man signed, "The $50,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the third tree stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate."

The interpreter turned to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about. He also says he doesn't think you have the balls to pull the trigger!"

A man and his wife had been married for 30 years when he decided to retire while his wife continued to work. It didn't take long for him to become bored during the day so one day he decided to clean his closet. He accomplished the task but he still had half the day left so he decided to clean his wife's closet. At the back of the top shelf of her closet he found a box with three eggs and $3000 in it. When his wife got home that day he showed her the closets he had cleaned out and she told him what a wonderful job he had done.

He said, "I have a question. At the back of the top shelf in your closet I found a box that contained three eggs and $3000. What is that?"

She replied, "Well, every time you've made me mad or upset me, I've put an egg in the box."

He thought, "After 30 years of marriage, it's great that there are only three eggs in the box." To his wife he said, "That explains the eggs, but what about the three thousand dollars?"

To which she replied, "Every time I got a dozen, I sold them!""

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes." The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes - that Whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"

The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."

The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me." So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine." So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever bitches.

A keen Texas lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. The store was the biggest in the world and sold everything under the sun.

"Have you ever been a salesman before?" the boss asked during his interview.

"Yes, I was a salesman in Texas," the lad answered.

The boss took an immediate liking to him and told him he could start the next day. "I'll come and see how you made out after we close up," the boss said.

The day was long and hard for the young man, but finally it was 5 o'clock. The boss closed up the store and found the lad sitting, slumped and exhausted, in a chair. "How many sales did you make today?" the boss asked.

"One," said the lad.

"One?" said the boss, obviously displeased. "Most of the sales people on my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"

"Exactly $101,334.53," said the young man.

"How did you manage that?" asked the boss, flabbergasted.

"Well," said the lad, "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one, and huge one. I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said he was going down the coast. I said he'd probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that fancy 22-foot Chris Craft with twin engines. Then he said his Honda Civic probably wouldn't be able to handle the load, so I took him to the vehicle department and sold him a new GMC 1-ton pickup truck."

"You sold all that to guy who came in for a fish hook?" the boss asked in astonishment.

"He didn't come in to buy a fish hook," the Texas boy explained. "He came in to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot. You might as well go fishing.' "

A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog one day.

They come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of traffic.

This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.

The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket which he offers to the dog.

A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!"

The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass."

Although this smacks of both Henny Youngman and Rodney Dangerfield, it is probably neither

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last:

• Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays; I go Fridays.
• We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida, and mine is in New York.
• I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
• I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
• We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
• She has an electric blender, electric toaster,and electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
• My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, she told me, "In the lake."
• My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now!
• She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off!
• She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is, buddy, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?
2. The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy considering he has no dick.
3. People who are willing to get off their asses to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
4. When people say, "Oh, you just want to have your cake and eat it too." Fuck off. What good is a goddamn cake if you can't eat it?
5. When people say, "It's always in the last place you look." Of course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
6. When people say, while watching a movie, "Did you see that?" No dicknose, I paid $7.50 to come to the theater and stare at friggen ceiling up there.
7. The radio ad: "Hi, I'm Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band. Don't drink and drive. I don't." Well, I hope you don't drive sober either, Mr. Healey. You're blind, for God's sake!
8. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there, buddy?
9. When something is "new and improved," which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
10. When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going? You should know, asshole, you fucking pulled me over!