Laughter IS The Best Medicine

John and his friend George go golfing together one Saturday morning, as they have done for 24 years straight. Yes, you might say these guys were fanatics about their golfing. Later that day, John returns home exhausted, and plops down in the easy chair. His wife is concerned and asks if something went wrong with his game. "No, no," he replied, "I had the best game I had in years! As a matter of fact, I started out the first three holes at 4 under par, including a hole-in-two on the 3rd." "So why are you so beat?" his wife asked. "Well, George had a heart attack and died on the 4th hole," he said. "What?!? And you're so exhausted from trying to save him, huh?" "No, It was very quick and there was nothing anyone could've done. But after that, it was just hit the ball, drag George, hit the ball, drag George...

Survey Says...
Name something a blind person might use - A sword
Name a song with moon in the title - Blue suede moon
Name a bird with a long neck - Naomi Campbell
Name an occupation where you need a torch - A burglar
Name a famous brother & sister - Bonnie & Clyde
Name an item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers - A horse
Name something that floats in the bath - Water
Name something you wear on the beach - A deckchair
Something you do before going to bed - Sleep
Something you put on walls - Roofs
Name a famous bridge - The bridge over troubled waters
Something associated with the police - Pigs
A sign of the zodiac - April
Something slippery - A conman
Name an animal you might see at the zoo - A dog
A food that can be brown or white - Potato
Something with a hole in it - Window
A part of the body beginning with "N" - Knee
Something you do in the bathroom - Decorate

Here are some answers to the age old question, "Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?" :-)

PAT BUCHANAN:

To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

DR. SEUSS:

Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:

To die. In the rain

GRANDPA:

In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

ARISTOTLE:

It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

SADDAM HUSSEIN:

This was an unprovoked act of rebellion, so we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK:

To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER:

You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many morechickens have to cross before you believe it?

FREUD:

The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES:

I have just released eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook--and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

EINSTEIN:

Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?>

BILL CLINTON:

I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you meanby "chicken"? Could you please define "chicken"?

THE BIBLE:

And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS:

I missed one?

A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place. Candy, too.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was dead.

The driver felt guilty and began to cry.

A woman driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do?"

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal.

Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned, waved, hopped another 50 yards and waved again!!!!

The man was astonished.

He said to the woman, "What in heaven"s name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?"

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave.

Our staff has completed the 18 months of work on time and on budget. We have gone through every line of code in every program in every system. We have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the change. We are proud to report that we have completed the "Y2K" date change mission, and have now implemented all changes to all programs and all data to reflect your new standards:

Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September, October, November, December

As well as: Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak

I trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of this "Y to K" problem has made any sense to me. But I understand it is a global problem, and our team is glad to help in any way possible. And what does the year 2000 have to do with it?

Speaking of which, what do you think we ought to do next year when the two digit year rolls over from 99 to 00?

We'll await your direction.

1. Save the endangered species. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like, night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
8. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
9. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
10. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
11. Remember half the people you know are below average.
12. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
13. Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.
14. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
15. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
16. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
17. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
18. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
19. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
20. I intend to live forever - so far so good.
21. Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.
22. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends
23. Mind like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.
24. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
25. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
26. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
27. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
28. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
29. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
30. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
31. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
32. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
33. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
34. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
35. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
36. The colder the x-ray table the more of your body is required on it.
37. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
38. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
39. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
40. To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
41. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
42. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
43. Two wrongs are only the beginning.
44. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
45. The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
46. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
47. Change is inevitable except from vending machines.
48. Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!
49. Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
50. Always try to be modest and be proud of it!
51. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
52. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand.
53. Every time I learn something new it pushes some of the old stuff out of my brain!

13. Driving your fellow Congressman into the turnbuckle now considered acceptable method of ending a filibuster.
12. President now shouts entire State of the Union address with his face 18 inches from TV camera.
11. IRS audit replaced by more efficient reverse body slam.
10. Government becomes a charade of meaningless noises and lots of posturing by a bunch of inarticulate losers with no class or manners-- Hey, wait a minute...
9. Free school lunches destined for the needy instead go to the biggest, meanest, stupidest kid in each school.
8. Sex scandals now involve even skankier women.
7. January 20: Inauguration ceremonies - January 21: FDA approves over-the-counter sale of steroids
6. Newt Gingrich is finally able to wear his mask and cape out of the house.
5. During House debate, it is acceptable to yield to the gentleman wielding a folding chair.
4. Difficult finding interns willing to accommodate an entire pouch of Skoal.
3. Strom Thurmond "finally" removed by The Undertaker.
2. Line to bodyslam Ken Starr winds around Lincoln Memorial.

and Top5's Number 1 Change Under a Government Run by Pro Wrestlers...

1. Before: Mr. Vice President - After: Stone Cold Al Gore

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you"re only allowed one seat."

The man groaned but didn"t budge. The usher became impatient.

"Sir, if you don"t get up from there I"m going to have to call the manager."

Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.

The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what"s your name?"

"Sam," the man moaned.

"Where ya from, Sam?"

With pain in his voice, Sam replied, "The balcony."

Barium.............What doctors do when a patient dies.

CAT scan...........Searching for kitty.

Cauterize..........Make eye contact with her.

Colic..............A sheep dog.

Dilate.............To live longer.

Enema..............Not a friend.

Fester.............Quicker.

Genital............Not Jewish.

G.I. series........Soldiers ball game.

Hangnail...........Coat hook.

Impotent...........Distinguished, well known.

Labor pain.........Getting hurt at work.

Nitrates...........Cheaper than day rates.

Node...............Was aware of.

Outpatient.........A person who fainted.

Pap smear..........A fatherhood test.

Prostate...........Flat on your back.

Recovery room......A place to do upholstery.

Rectum.............Dang near killed "em.

Rupture............Extreme bliss.

Terminal Illness...Getting sick at the airport.

Tumor..............More than one.

Urine..............Opposite of you"re out.

Varicose...........Nearby.

In a small southern town (in South Carolina) there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it.

One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen"s helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.

At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!"

I assured her that I did, but simply couldn"t recall anything about firemen in the Bible.

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled thru some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right here, "The three wise man came from afar".