Laughter IS The Best Medicine

Friends don't let friends take home ugly men.

---Women's restroom, Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE

Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?"

--- Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit.

---Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, North Carolina

To do is to be - Descartes; To be is to do - Voltaire; Do be do be do Frank Sinatra

---Men's restroom, Greasewood Flats, Scottsdale, Arizona

Make love, not war... Hell, do both, get married!

---Women's restroom, The Filling Station, Bozeman, Montana

A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.

---Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, Texas

Express Lane: Five beers or less

---Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA

You're too good for him.

---Sign over mirror in Women's restroom, Ed Debevics, Beverly Hill, CA

No wonder you always go home alone.

---Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA

The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.

---Women's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL

If you voted for Clinton in the last election, you can't take a dump here. Your asshole is in Washington.

---Men's room Outback Steakhouse, Tacoma, Washington

Beauty is only a light switch away.

---Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, North Carolina.

I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards.

---Houghto Library, Harvard University, Cambridge, Massachusetts.

If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives.

---Armand's Pizza, Washington, DC

God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?

---The Irish Times, Washington, DC

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

---Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, Arizona.

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.

---Revolution Books, New York, New York

The following are the top 4 winners of a Most Embarrassing Moments Contest in the "New Woman Magazine".

1. While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now", she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
   The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.
• Amy Richardson; Stafford, Virginia

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2. It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggyback ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled, "SURPRISE!!!" My entire family, aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins and all my friends were standing there. My girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again ...
• Tim Cahill; Poughkeepsie, New York

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3. One of the funniest "most-embarrassing-moment" stories I've come upon in a long time was about a lady who picked up several items at discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER???"

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4. A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quit itchy. The teacher told him go down to the principal's office, he was to phone his mother, and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and he returned to the classroom, where he sat down in his seat. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your mom." she screamed. "I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school ..."

A lesson in how do you get a teenager's attention.

According to a radio report a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls who were beginning to use lipstick were pressing their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Finally the principal had enough. She called the girls to the bathroom to meet the janitor. When all had arrived, she explained that the lip prints were a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To illustrate the problem the principal asked the janitor to clean one of the mirrors.

To do so he grabbed a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet, and cleaned the mirror.

There are no more lip prints on the mirror. The beauty of experience is amazing.

If you ever feel dumb, try reading these...

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever"

Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff."

Mariah Carey

"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are."

Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22

"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law"

David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."

Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."

Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."

Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.

"They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off."

Pratt amp; Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers.

"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."

Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."

Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents

"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."

Former French President Charles De Gaulle

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it."

A congressional candidate in Texas

"When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."

Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the complex social issues behind the Los Angeles Riots

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves."

John Wayne

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."

Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

"Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind."

General William Westmoreland

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."

Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle at a fundraising

event for the United Negro College Fund. (He was attempting to quote the line: "a mind is a terrible thing to waste".)

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."

Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

1. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say
3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case
5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
6. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
7. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
8. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
9. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
10. Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead
11. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
12. Miners Refuse to Work after Death
13. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
14. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
15. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
16. War Dims Hope for Peace
17. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
18. Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
19. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
20. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
21. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space
22. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
23. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this:

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.

Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so- called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.

Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.

Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.

Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.

Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best come-back" line and we think he'll win.

We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where :) means a smile and :( is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by :-) and :-( respectively.

Well, how about some "assicons"?

This will be of special interest to all of you programmers out there...
When code reuse goes too far . . .

From June 15, 1999 Defense Science and Technology Organization Lecture Series, Melbourne, Australia, and staff reports.

CARELESS CODE RECYCLING CAUSES KILLER KANGAROOS -- Mutant Marsupials Take Up Arms Against Australian Air Force

The reuse of some object-oriented code has caused tactical head aches for Australia's armed forces. As virtual reality simulators assume larger roles in helicopter combat training, programmers have gone to great lengths to increase the realism of their scenarios, including detailed landscapes and - in the case of the Northern Territory's Operation Phoenix - herds of kangaroos (since disturbed animals might well give away a helicopter's position).

The head of the Defense Science & Technology Organization's Land Operations/Simulation division reportedly instructed developers to model the local marsupials' movements and reactions to helicopters. Being efficient programmers, they just re-appropriated some code originally used to model infantry detachment reactions under the same stimuli, changed the mapped icon from a soldier to a kangaroo, and increased the figures' speed of movement.

While demonstrating their flying skills for some visiting pilots, the Aussies "buzzed" the virtual kangaroos in low flight during a simulation. The kangaroos scattered, as predicted, and the visiting pilots nodded appreciatively... then did a double-take as the kangaroos reappeared from behind a hill and launched a barrage of Stinger missiles at the hapless helicopter. (Apparently the programmers had forgotten to remove that part of the infantry coding.) The lesson?

Objects are defined with certain attributes, and any new object defined in terms of an old one inherits all the attributes. The embarrassed programmers had learned to be careful when reusing object-oriented code, and the visiting pilots left with a newfound respect for Australian wildlife.

Simulator supervisors report that pilots from that point onward have strictly avoided kangaroos, just as they were meant to.

Who said Engineering wasn't an exact science? The US Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that' s the way they built them in England, and the US railroads were built by English expatriates. Why did the English people build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did they use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing. Okay! Why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing the wagons would break on some of the old, long distance roads, because that's the spacing of the old wheel ruts. So who built these old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts? The initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagons, were first made by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were made for or by Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Thus, we have the answer to the original question. The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original specification for an Imperial Roman army war chariot. Specs and Bureaucracies live forever. So, the next time you are handed a specification and Wonder what Horse's Behind came up with it, you may be exactly right. Because the Imperial Roman chariots were made to be just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses. Now the twist to the story.... There's an interesting extension of the story about railroad gauge and horses' behinds. When we see a Space Shuttle sitting on the launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the, main fuel tank . These are the solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at a factory in Utah~ The engineers who designed the SRBs might have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line to the factory runs through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than a railroad track, and the railroad track is about as wide as two horses' behinds. So a major design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined by the width of a Horse's Backside!

Police strongly suspected a vindictive ex-girlfriend when a man in Orlando, Florida, reported that his car and apartment were vandalized, but they couldn't find enough hard evidence to charge her with the crime. Then in early 1999, the girlfriend got her 15 minutes of fame when she went on a daytime talk show with the featured topic, "I Demand to Know Why You Dumped Me." The girlfriend explained in great detail and with obvious relish how she had trashed his waterbed, smashed mirrors and headlights on the car and poured sugar into the gas tank. Everyone who saw the show thought it was hilarious, even the cops who used the tape of the show as evidence when they charged her with felony criminal mischief.