Laughter IS The Best Medicine

A man was doing a study of children's senses in a first-grade class using a bowl of Lifesavers. He gave the children all the same kind of Lifesaver and asked them, "What is the flavor, and what color is it?"

The children began to say, "Red . . . cherry . . . yellow . . . lemon . . . lime . . . green . . . orange . . . orange."

Finally, he gave them all honey Lifesavers. The children suck on them for a while, but can't decipher the taste. "Well," he said, "I'll give you a clue. It's what your mother would call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out, and yelled: "Everybody spit it out, they're assholes!"

Jim decided to propose to Sandy. But prior to her acceptance, Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts the maturity of a 12 year old's.

He stated that it was okay, because he loved her so much. However, Jim felt this was the time for him to open up and admit that he also had a deformity. Jim looked Sandy in the eyes and said, "I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant's, and I hope you can deal with that once we are married."

She said, "Yes. I will marry you and learn to live with your infant- sized penis."

Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon. Jim rushed Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, and holding one another. As Sandy put her hands in Jim's pants she began to scream and ran out of the room! Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong. She said, "You told me your penis was the size of an infant's!"

"It is . . . 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches!"

Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning the father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!"

"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.

"Well, of course I threw them all in the trash."

The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in the father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms."

"Oh my," gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked.

"I poked holes in all of them," she replied.

The third nun said, "Oh shit."

A guy found a magic lamp and, naturally, he rubbed it. A genie popped out and said, "I'll grant you any wish you want."

The guy thought and thought, and finally gave his answer. "I want to be hard all the time and get all the ass I want."

"As you wish," the genie replied. So the genie turned him into a toilet seat.

These 2 little boys are sitting in the living room, watching TV with their parents. The mother looks over at the father with a wink and a nod toward upstairs. The father "gets" the message, and they both get up and head towards the stairs. The mother turns back to the 2 boys and says, "We're going upstairs for a minute. You two stay here and watch TV. We'll be right back, OK?" The two boys nod OK, and the parents take off upstairs. The oldest of the 2 boys is old enough to know what's going on now, and he gets up and tiptoes upstairs. At the top of the stairs, he peeks into his mom and dad's room and shakes his head. Back downstairs he goes, back to his little brother. "Come with me," he says, and the 2 little boys tiptoe up the stairs. Halfway up, the older brother turns to his brother and says, "Now I want you to keep in mind, this is the same woman who used to bust our ass for sucking our thumb!!!!

A man is lost at sea and winds up on a desert island for 10 years. One day he is sitting on the beach and a beautiful girl in a wet suit comes out of the water and walks up to him.

She asks him when was the last time he had a cigarette. He says 10 years. She opens the zipper on her wet suit a bit, and pulls out a pack of cigarettes and lights one for him.

She then asks him when was the last time he had a drink. He says 10 years.

She opens her wet suit a bit more and produces a flask of Scotch whiskey.

She then starts to unzip some more and as she does so she asks if he wants to play around.

He looks at her in amazement and says "You mean you have a set of golf clubs in there too!"

A golfer stood over his tee shot for what seemed like an eternity. Looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring just the right wind direction and speed. Driving his partner absolutely nuts.

Finally, his exasperated partner say, "Why are you taking so long? Just hit the blasted Ball!!!"

The guy answers, "Look, my wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Ah, forget it man, you're never gonna hit her from here..."

A young fella walks into the clubhouse looking for a game.

The golf-pro said, "There's a young lady about to play the first tee, why not join up with her."

The young fella asks this beautiful young lady if he could join her.

She replied, "Of course."

They were having a great time together. When they walked on the 18th green the young lady had a 20 foot putt for a birdie and the young fella had a 25 foot putt for a birdie.

As the young fella was about to putt; he looked up at the young lady and said, "You know I've had a great time today. And you know, if I make this 25 foot putt for my birdie I'll take you out to the finest restaurant in town and then we'll go dancing." He putts his 25-footer and 'plunk', right in the cup for his bird.

The young lady walks up to her 20 foot birdie putt, stops and says to the young fella, "You know if I make this 20 foot putt for bird; after we dine and dance, we'll go to my place and make love all night long."

As she goes to putt; the young fella calls out, "Hold it! That's a 'gimme'. Pick it up!"

Three men were on the first tee box waiting for the group in front of them to clear so that they could tee off. A fellow walked up and handed one of them a business card that said, "I cannot speak. Would you mind if I joined your threesome?"

The reader thought briefly, handed the card back, shook his head and said in his rudest, most unfriendly manner, "No way!"

By this time the fairway was clear and the three men in line hit their tee shots. The first two then hit into the green. Just as the third, the man who had been so rude back on the tee, was about to start his swing, a golf ball came screaming off of tee behind him and nailed him right in the middle of his back.

Enraged and in pain, he angrily turned to look back at the tee box, and there stood our mute friend...smiling...holding up 4 fingers...

Two avid golfers got married but before the marriage was consumated the wife wanted to confess to her husband that she wasn't a virgin and that she had slept with Tiger Woods.

He was not upset, in fact, he said at least you had an affair with the best golfer in the world. And with that they got into bed and had sex. When he was through he got out of bed, ran to the phone and started to dial.

She said, "Who are you calling?" "Room service" came the answer, "I want to celebrate"

"Tiger Woods wouldn't do that" she related. "No, what would he do?" He asked "He would do it again!!!"

So the husband ran back to bed and did it again. This time he climbed out of bed, walked to the phone and she asked. "What are you doing?"

"I'm calling room service for champagne, so we can celebrate" he said.

"Tiger Woods wouldn't do that" she related. "No, what would he do?"He asked.

"He would do it again" so the husband walked back to bed and did it again. When he was through he rolled out of bed, and crawled to the phone.

"Are you calling room service dear?" she asked. "Hell no" he said, "I'm calling Tiger woods. I want to find out what's par for this hole"