Laughter IS The Best Medicine

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!
5. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
6. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead
7. Bad cop! No donut!
8. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
9. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
10. Hey didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?
11. Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand.
12. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonald's?
13. I pay your salary!
14. So, ooh, you on the take, or what?
15. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning to
16. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
17. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around--that's how far ahead of me they are.
18. What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.
19. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
20. Hey, is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this . 44 magnum.
21. Hey, can you give me one of those full cavity searches?

Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way. One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called Plexus Communications. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him. The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Merv asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" And the gentleman answered, "Why yes, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears." Merv got very angry and threw him out. The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" and she replied: "Well, you have no ears." Merv again was upset and tossed her out. The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome. And he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Merv was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" And to his surprise, the young man answered: "Yes. You wear contact lenses." Merv was shocked, and said, "What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?" The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no fucking ears!"

I feel sory for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.

--Frank Sinatra

The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober.

--William Butler Yeats

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.

--Ernest Hemingway

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

--Ernest Hemingway

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

--Dean Martin

Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can't say it.

--Anonymous

No animal ever invented anything as bad as drunkenness - or as good as drink.

--G.K. Chesterton

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.

--Catherine Zandonella

Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.

--Ambrose Bierce

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.

--Anonymous

Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truely gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat hairy girls.

--Ross Levy

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

--Anonymous

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?

--W.C. Fields

Beauty lies in the hands of the beer holder.

--Anonymous

If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.

--David Daye

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.

--Oscar Wilde

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

--Henny You ngman

Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.

-- Michelle Mastrolacasa

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.

--Tom Waits

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?

--Stephen Wright

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven...

-- Brian O'Rourke

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.

--Frank Zappa

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.

--Winston Churchill

He was a wise man who invented beer.

--Plato

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

--Benjamin Franklin

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.

--Deep Thought, Jack Handy

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

--Dave Barry

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.

--Humphrey Bogart

Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine.

--David Moulton

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.

--Kaiser Wilhelm

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.

--Homer Simpson

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen And oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, A vital ingredient in beer.

--Dave Barry

I drink to make other people interesting.

--George Jean Nathan

All right, brain, I don't like you and you on't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.

--Homer Simpson

BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR THE FOLLOWING VIRUSES:

Lewinsky virus: sucks all the memory out of your computer; then e-mails everybody about it.

Ronald Reagan virus: saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

Mike Tyson virus: quits after two bytes.

Oprah Winfrey virus: your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100 MB, then slowly expands to 200 MB.

Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus: deletes all old files.

Ellen Degeneres virus: disks can no longer be inserted.

Titanic virus: your whole computer goes down.

Disney virus: everything in your computer goes Goofy.

Prozac virus: screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.

Joey Buttafuoco virus: only attacks minor files.

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: terminates some files, leaves, but it will be baaack.

Lorena Bobbit virus: reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 floppy; then discards it through Windows.

1. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?
2. Do I look like a people person?
3. This isn't an office... It's Hell with flourescent lights!
4. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
5. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
6. If I throw a stick will you leave?
7. YOU...Off my planet! (or out of my Universe)
8. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
9. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
10. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
11. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
12. Allow me to introduce myselves.
13. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed...
14. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
15. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
16. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage....
17. Not all men are annoying: some are dead.
18. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
19. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
20. Stress is when you wake up screaming -- and you realize you haven't been to sleep yet.
21. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1.
22. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
23. Nice perfume...must you marinate in it?
24. Chaos, panic and disorder - my work here is done
25. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

A young man is wandering, lost, in a forest when he comes upon a small house. Knocking on the door he is greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long gray beard.

"I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly", the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a stinking finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man!"

"OK," said the man, and entered the house.

Over dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic body! She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.

Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. During the night he could bear it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion.

He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted, but immensely happy! He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read:

"Chinese Torture #1....Large rock on chest."

"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about."

He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the damn thing out!

As he did so, he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture #2: Rock tied to left testicle."

Ohhhh my God! In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to taut.

Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.

As he plummeted towards the ground he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture #3....Right testicle tied to bed post! :o)

AAARRRRGGGGG!!

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate Julie was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I can't find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, John."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom."

He laid her on the table,
So white, clean and bare.
His forehead wet with beads of sweat,
He rubbed her here and there.
He touched her neck and then her breast,
And then, drooling, felt her thigh.
The slit was wet and all was set, He gave a joyous cry.
The hole was wide...he looked inside,
All was dark and murky.
He rubbed his hands and stretched out his arms,
And then he stuffed the turkey.

Some of you have such nasty minds! This is funnier around Thanksgiving....

A traveling salesman broke down on the bad side of town one evening after a long day of door-to-door sales. After calling AAA from a payphone, he decided to wait in for the tow truck in a nearby bar.

He sat down on a bar stool in the corner of the bar to quietly nurse his beer. Trying to mind his own business, he was shocked to look across the bar to find a very large, muscular sailor doing shots. While the sailor's chest and arms were huge, the salesman was shocked to notice that his head was about as big as a grapefruit. Needless to say, he couldn't help but stare.

Soon the sailor stood up from his stool and swaggered over to the salesman, who was shaking in his loafers. When he reached him, the sailor said, "I see you staring at my head over here."

"N-no," the salesman responds, "I wasn't, really, I --"

"That's okay," the sailor said and sits down next to him. "I want to tell you my story. I was out at sea last year and there was a terrible storm. My ship was sunk, and everyone drowned but me. I struggled to stay afloat and managed to swim to the shore of a deserted island. I stayed there all alone for six months, eating coconuts and crabs. One morning I was woken up by screams coming from the lagoon. Running down there, I discovered a woman struggling in the thick seaweed. I ran down to the water, ripped the seaweed from her naked body, and pulled her up to the beach. She was a mermaid! I stood gawking at her for a while, and then she thanked me, offering to grant me three wishes. My first wish was to be back home before the end of the day. She said, 'Okay.' My second wish was to have a billion dollars so I would never have to go to sea again. She said, 'Okay.' Then I scratched my head and tried to think of something else. I said, 'Well, since I don't really need anything else, how about we have some sex?' She smiled and wagged her fish tail at me. 'Silly,' she said, 'look at me. I can't have sex with you.' I laughed and said, 'Oh okay, then how about a little head?'"

A man was driving down a deserted highway when he noticed a sign that read: "SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION -- 10 MILES."

Thinking it was a figment of his imagination, he drove on. Soon, he saw another sign which said: "SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION -- 5 MILES."

Realizing these signs were for real, he drove on, and sure enough, there was a third: "SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION -- NEXT RIGHT."

His curiosity got the best of him, and he pulled into the driveway. On the far side of the parking lot was a somber, stone building with a sign on the door that read: "SISTERS OF MERCY."

He climbed the steps, rang the bell, and the door was answered by a nun in a long black habit. She smiled and asked, "What may we do for you, my son?"

"I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing some business."

"Very well, my son. Please follow me," said the nun. He was led through many winding passages, and soon he was very disoriented. The nun stopped at a closed door and told the man, "Please, knock on this door," and left.

The man did as he was told, and this door was opened by another nun in a long, black habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructed him: "Please place $50.00 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."

He placed the money in this nun's tin cup. He ran eagerly down the hallway, and slipped through the door, pulling it shut. As the door locked behind him, he found himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: "Go in peace. You have just been screwed by the Sisters of Mercy."