Laughter IS The Best Medicine

Can you imagine working at the following Company? It has a little over 500 Employees with the following statistics:

• 29 have been accused of spousal abuse.
• 7 have been arrested for fraud.
• 19 have been accused of writing bad checks.
• 117 have bankrupted at least two businesses.
• 3 have been arrested for assault.
• 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit.
• 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges.
• 8 have been arrested for shoplifting.
• 21 are current defendants in lawsuits.
• In 1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving.

Can you guess which organization this is? Give up?

It's the 535 members of your United States Congress. The same group that perpetually cranks out hundreds upon hundreds of new laws designed to keep the rest of us in line.

A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against... get this... FIRE. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, AND having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in "a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion. The man sued... and won. In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge's ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires." Here's the funny part After the man cashed his check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive 1 month terms.

A man seeing flashing red and blue lights in his rearview mirror pulls to the side of the road. A minute or so after coming to a stop, a police officer approaches the car.

The man says, "What's the problem officer?"
Officer: You were going 75 miles an hour in a 55 mile an hour zone. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ticket you.
Man: No sir, I was going a little over 60.
Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going at least 80! [The man gives wife dirty look.]
Officer: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken taillight? I didn't know about a broken taillight!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that taillight for weeks! [The man gives his wife another a dirty look.]
Officer: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car. Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt!
The Man turns to his wife and yells, "For cryin' out loud, can't you just shut up?!"
The officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, Does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
Wife says, "No officer, only when he's drunk."

1. They told me at the blood bank this might happen.
2. This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in the last management course you sent me to.
3. Whew! Guess I left the lid off the liquid paper.
4. I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm.
5. This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people.
6. I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.
7. I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?
8. Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.
9. The coffee machine is broke.
10. I was actually doing a Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan. (SLEEP) I learned it at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.
11. Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot.
12. Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off.
13. Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic.
14. I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up a contact lens without using my hands.
15. Amen.

Too Funny

1. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
2. A four-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
3. When you hear the toilet flush and the words uh-oh, it's already too late.
4. Brake fluid mixed with bleach makes smoke, and lots of it.
5. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies.
6. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
7. Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old.
8. Duplos will not
9. PIay-doh and microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
10. Super glue is forever.
11. MacGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.
12. Ditto Tarzan.
13. No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jello.
15. VCR's do not eject peanut butter and jelly sandwiches even though television commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
20. Plastic toys do not like ovens.
21. The fire department in San Diego has at least a five minute response time.
22. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
23. It will however make cats dizzy.
24. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
25. Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry.
26. A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately mostly in retrospect).

• I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either
• I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
• Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue
• Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing him again.
• Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
• I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
• Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?
• My reality check bounced.
• On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
• I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
• You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
• Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
• Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
• Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

This guy has been suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures, he's referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor. The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies. "I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and He is interrupted by the doctor, "And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear". "Yes! Exactly! How did you know?" "Well I am the world's greatest headache specialist, you know. I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it:
Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes".
Two weeks go by and the man is back, "Well, how do you feel?" "Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't had a headache since I started this treatment! I can't thank you enough. And, by the way you have a lovely home."

1. You Are Different and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who who died from eating All His Vegetables
3. Dads New wife Robert.
4. Fun Four-letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors. An I-Can-Do Book
6. The kids Guide to hitchhiking
7. Angie Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High Voltage fence
9. All Cats go to hell
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly
12. Attention Deficit Disorder and the effect on...hey, let's go ride our bikes
13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
14. The Magic World inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers have the Best Candy
18. Whining Kicking and Crying to Get Your Way
19. You Were en Accident
20. Things Rich kids Have, but you Never Will
21. Pop! Goes the Hamster , and Other Great Microwave games
22. The Man in the Moon is Actually Satan
23. Your Nightmares Are Real
24. Where Would You Like to be Buried?
25. Eggs, Toilet Paper and Your School
26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Mrs. Electrical Outlet be Friends?
27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

In case you missed the article, someone found a condom in a McDonald's hamburger in May 1999. Here's David Letterman's explanation:

Top 10 McDonald's excuses for the condom in the Big Mac:

10. We were test marketing the new "McTrojan"
9. Condom, Condiment: what's the damn difference.
8. It still tastes better than the Arch Deluxe.
7. It was either there or in the vanilla shake.
6. Turns out the rumors about Grimace and Mayor McCheese are true.
5. We're experimenting with a new even happier Happy Meal.
4. So what - a regular Big Mac is 60% latex anyway.
3. Employees too embarrassed to say "Would you like condoms with that".
2. Drive-through speaker broken: "Coke with lots of " ice" sounded like "Prophylactic device".

And the #1 McDonald's excuse for the condom in the Big Mac:

1. When you're serving billions and billions, you can't be too careful.

SMART MAN + SMART WOMAN = ROMANCE
SMART MAN + DUMB WOMAN = PREGNANCY
DUMB MAN + SMART WOMAN = AFFAIR
DUMB MAN + DUMB WOMAN = MARRIAGE

SMART BOSS + SMART EMPLOYEE = PROFITS
SMART BOSS + DUMB EMPLOYEE = PRODUCTION
DUMB BOSS + SMART EMPLOYEE = PROMOTION
DUMB BOSS + DUMB EMPLOYEE = OVERTIME

A man will pay $2.00 for a $1.00 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item that she does not need.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man, you must love him a little and understand him a lot.
To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting she won't change, but she does.

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are more willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.