Laughter IS The Best Medicine

you never get "snow days" off.
"P.E." includes yard work.
you"ve ever been in more than three grades at once.
all the signatures on your graduation diploma end with the same last name.
after your first year in college the academic dean keeps asking, "Are there any more at home like you?"
your extracurricular activities take more time than your academics.
your teacher has ever come to school in her pajamas.
your family has the national average of 2.5 children...in eachbedroom!
you get your high school diploma BEFORE you get your driver"slicense.
your 15-passenger van contains more kids than the passing school bus.
your first real date is on your honeymoon.
your Home Economics class transitions smoothly into married life.
denim is a primary color.
your grade and your age have ever matched.
you NEVER get to use the "1-10 items" Express Lane in the grocerystore.
you feel sorry for the over socialized public school kids.
you consider school work after lunch to be cruel and unusualpunishment.
you have to move dirty laundry off your desk before you can study.
the only questions you missed on the ACT were the ones dealing with "the late Cretaceous Period."
your answering machine gets the phone more than you do.
the term "Anglo-Saxon" makes you think of your geometry book.
your mom can turn ANYTHING into an object lesson illustrating your current assignment.
the Home School Channel is the only channel allowed in your house.
the ACLU is considered a four-letter word in your house.
you think public school looks a whole lot like prison.
you consider loss of reading privileges to be the most drastic form of punishment.
you could win a science fair by summarizing your plenteous experience in removing stains from clothing.
you have changed FAR more diapers than the average day care worker.
your yearbook is also your baby book.
you can actually read your diploma when you graduate.
your four-year-old brother can answer the socialization question.
you have so many baby sitting requests that you form a referral company.

My friend likes to read his two young sons fairy tales at night. Having a deep-rooted sense of humor, he often ad-libs parts of the stories for fun. One day his youngest son was sitting in his first grade class. The teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to acquire building materials for his home. She said "...And so the pig went up to the man with a wheelbarrow full of straw and said, "Pardon me sir, but might I have some of that straw to build my house with?" Then the teacher asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?" And my friend's son raised his hand and said, "I know! I know! He said "Holy smokes! A talking pig!"" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

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A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother" she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

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An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class. "How did that happen?" gasped her mother. "It wasn"t easy," admitted the young lady, "but three girls helped me catch him."

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One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, "Why are some of your hairs white, mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come *all* of grandma"s hairs are white?"

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The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, "There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer," or "That's Michael, he's a doctor."A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there"s the teacher; she"s dead."

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For weeks, a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event. The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?" Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"

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On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers." A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?

So you think you're computer-illiterate? Check out the following excerpts from, a Wall Street Journal article by Jim Canton

AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key i .

Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After troubleshooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.

Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.

A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.

Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends," the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."

Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

An exasperated caller to Dell computer Tech support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "what power switch?"

Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to do anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send key."

True story from a Novell NetWare SysOp:

Caller:

"Hello, is this Tech support?"

Tech rep:

"Yes, it is. How may I help you?"

Caller:

"The cup holder on my pc is broken and I am within the warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"

Tech rep:

"I'm sorry, but did you say cup holder?"

Caller:

"Yes, it's attached to the front of the computer."

Tech rep:

"Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"

Caller:

"It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional, it just has '4x' on it."

At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive.

This is an actual job application someone submitted at aMcDonald's fast-food establishment AND THEY HIRED HIM!(editor's note: I would have hired him too!!)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NAME: Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. HA But seriously, whatever's available.If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here inthe first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a MichaelOvitz style severance package. If that's not possible make an offerand we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pensand post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suitedto a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I behere?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROMLIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question herewould be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may alreadybe a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in theBahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm thegreatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doingthat now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OFYOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.

The other day, my friends and I went to a "Ladies Night Club." One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She calls the guy back over, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek.

In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the bill. I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks, again.

My relief was short lived. Seeing the way things are going, the guy gyrates over to me! Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the guy's egging me on to try to top the $50.

My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet. What could I do? Then the marketer in me took over!

I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his ass, grabbed the 80 bucks, and went home. . .

• If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
• You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
• The Earth Is Full - Go Home
• I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha
• This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
• Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
• If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
• The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
• Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
• Honk If Anything Falls Off
• Cover Me, I'm Changing Lanes
• He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit
• I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
• You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
• I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
• It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now
• I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere
• If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over..[Seen Upside Down, On A Jeep]
• Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.
• If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
• Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
• Boldly Going Nowhere
• Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window
• Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch

1 million microphones = 1 megaphone
2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
10 cards = 1 decacards
1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
10 rations = 1 decoration
100 rations = 1 C-ration
10 millipedes = 1 centipede
3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent
2 monograms = 1 diagram
8 nickels = 2 paradigms
2 wharves = 1 paradox

In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear encounters, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game has issued the following advisory to hikers, hunters, and fishermen while in the field:

It is strongly advised that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle grizzly bears that aren't expecting outdoorsmen to be walking in their habitat. It is also strongly advised that outdoorsmen carry non-lethal pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a grizzly. The Department of Natural Resources for Alaska states it is a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear poop. Black bear poop is smaller and contains lots of berries and many times squirrel fur. Grizzly bear poop is larger, has little bells in it and smells like pepper.

The Smith's were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. They had included Senators and Wall Street wizards. they decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose - how to handle that great-uncle George, who was executed in the electric chair. The author said he could handle the story tactfully. The book appeared. It said "Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electrical technology at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock."

• ACTUALLY, IT'S A 10, 5, AND A 1: Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pay with two $16 bills.
• HOW MUCH IF I DO??: The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.
• AMBULANCE CHASERS: A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis. By the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.
• DUH : A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C. A few days later he went with his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch he went out for a sandwich. His girlfriend needed, so she had him paged by the bailiff. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him when he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.
• STOP OR I'LL SHOOT (MYSELF): When two service stations in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.
• DUH, WHICH WAY DID HE GO GEORGE: Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting out to give himself up.
• WHAT WAS PLAN B???: An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank account.
• SOME DAYS, IT JUST DOESN'T PAY!: Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole my new security system..."
• THE GETAWAY!: A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer Apparently, the take was too mall so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
• DO-IT-YOURSELF BRAIN SURGERY??: In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire Protruding from his forehead and calmly asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.
• DID I SAY THAT???: Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot", the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
• OUCH, THAT SMARTS!!: A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around with with an explosion taking place inside his pants," said police spokesman Mike Carey. Police have the man's charred trousers in custody.
• ARE WE ARE COMMUNICATING??: A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted, "this is her husband!"
• NOT THE SHARPEST KNIFE IN THE DRAWER!!: In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun but unfortunately he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.
• Will the real dummy please stand up!: AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.