Laughter IS The Best Medicine

The plane's cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who was just as obviously enjoying himself. He came swishing down the aisle and said to the man and the woman seated beside him, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing this big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that the woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one!"

"Well, sweetie, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Put up the tray, bitch!"

A woman answered her front door and found two little boys holding a list. "Lady," one of them explained, "we're on a scavenger hunt, and we still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar."

"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?"

"Our baby-sitter's boyfriend."

A drunken man staggered in to a Catholic church and sat down in a confession box, saying nothing.

The bewildered priest coughed to attract his attention, but still the man said nothing.

The priest then knocked on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.

Finally, the drunk replied, "No use knockin', mate, there's no paper in this one either."

Lesson Number One:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," the turkey said and sighed. "But I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally, after a week, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

Soon, though, the turkey was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson Number Two:

When the body was first created, all the parts wanted to be boss. The brain said, "I should be boss because I control all of the body's responses and functions."

The feet said, "We should be boss since we carry the brain about and get him where he wants to go."

The hands said, "We should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."

Finally, the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the boss. So, the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up, and refused to work.

Within a short time, the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic, and the brain fevered. Eventually, they all decided that the asshole should be the boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat and passed out the shit!

Moral of the story: You don't need brains to be a boss -- any asshole will do.

Father Joseph went up to Father Fred one afternoon and said, "I am sick of all this clean living. Tonight let's you and me go out and party. We'll carouse, drink, whatever we want."

Fred was shocked. "Are you crazy? This is a small town and everyone knows us. Besides, even if they didn't, they would see our clothes and know we were priests."

Joe was ready for this. "Don't be silly. We won't stay in town, we'll go into the city where nobody knows us, and we'll dress just like anyone else."

In the end, he managed to persuade Fred, and they went out that night and partied like professionals.

When they got back home at 5:00 AM, Fred's face became pale. "I just thought of something," he said. "We have to confess this."

Again, Joe was ready. "Relax, I told you I thought this all out in advance. Tomorrow, you go into church and into the confessional. I will come in my regular clothes and confess, and you absolve me. Then I'll go put on my garments, you come in and confess, and I'll absolve you."

Fred was amazed at Joe's brilliance. Joseph went in later that morning and said, "Father forgive me, for I have sinned. My friend and I, we're both young men, and last night we went out and caroused. We became drunk, had carnal knowledge of prostitutes, used foul language, and danced to wicked music."

Fred answered, "God is patient and forgiving, and thus shall I be. Do five Our Fathers and five Hail Marys, and you will be absolved of your sin."

A while later, their places were reversed as Fred came in and confessed everything in detail. There was a short pause, and Joseph answered, "I don't believe this. And you dare to call yourself a priest? You will do 500 Our Fathers, 500 Hail Marys, donate all your money to the church, and go around the church 500 times on your knees praying for God's forgiveness. Then come back and we'll discuss absolution, but I make no guarantees."

"What?" Father Fred was shocked. "What about our agreement?"

Joe replied, "Hey, what I do on my time off is one thing, but I take my job seriously."

An office manager had money problems and had to fire an employee, either Jack or Jill. He thought he'd fire the employee who came to work late.

The next morning, both employees came to work very early. So the manager though he would fire the first one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break.

Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break. Strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day. They both ate at their desk.

Then the manager thought he'd wait to see who would leave work earliest, but both employees stayed after closing. Jill finally went to the coat rack and the manager went up to her and said, "Jill, I have a terrible problem. I don't know whether to lay you or Jack off."

Jill said, "Well, you'd better jack off, because I'm late for my bus."

A Canadian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a diner when an American man, chewing gum, sat down next to him. The Canadian ignored the American, who, nevertheless, started up a conversation.

The American snapped his gum and said, "You Canadian folk eat the whole bread?"

The Canadian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of course."

The American blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Canada." The American had a smirk on his face.

The Canadian listened in silence.

The American persisted. "D'ya eat jelly with the bread?"

Sighing, the Canadian replied, "Of course."

Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, "We don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Canada."

The Canadian then asked, "Do you have sex in the States?"

The American smiled and said, "Why of course we do."

The Canadian leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

"We throw them away, of course."

Now it was the Canadian's turn to smile. "We don't. In Canada, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States."

Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy." I call mine Sex.

Now Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like to have one, too." Then I said, "But this is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "But you don't understand. I've had Sex since I was nine years old." He said I must have been quite a kid.

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said every room in the place was for sex. I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night!" The clerk said, "Me too."

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand," I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show-off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight custody of the dog. I said, "Your honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said, "Me too." Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said, "Me too."

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4:00 in the morning?" I said, "I'm looking for Sex."

My case comes up Friday.

A bear walked into a bar and sat down. He banged on the bar with his paw and demanded a beer.

The bartender approached and said, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings, Montana."

The bear, becoming angry, once again demanded a beer.

The bartender again told him, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings, Montana."

The bear, very angry now, said, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender once again said, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings Montana."

The bear went to the end of the bar and, as he had promised, ate the woman. He came back to his seat, and again demanded a beer.

The bartender said, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings, Montana, that are on drugs."

The bear said, " I'm not on drugs."

The bartender said, "Yes you are. That was a bar bitch you ate."

Tommy Shaughnessy went into the confessional box and said, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

The priest said, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"

"Yes Father, it is."

"Who was this woman you were with?"

"I cannot tell you, Father, because I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Who was this woman you were with -- tell me?"

"Please, I cannot tell you, Father, because I don't want to ruin her reputation."

The priest asked, "Was it Brenda Patty O'Malley?"

"No."

"Was it Mary Patricia Kelly?"

"No."

"Was it Elizabeth Mary Shannon?"

"No."

"Was it Fiona Mary McDonald?"

"No."

"Was it Cathy Moran Morgan?"

"No, Father! I cannot tell you."

The priest finally gave up and said, "Tommy, I admire your perseverance, but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be three Hail Marys and four Our Fathers. Go back to your pew."

Tommy walked back to his pew. His friend, Sean, slid over and whispered, "What happened?"

"Well, I got three Hail Marys, four Our Fathers, and five good leads."