Laughter IS The Best Medicine

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly after this started, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a large sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.

He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back."

Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by. Then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today and I don't understand what it means."

The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and read it and I will explain it to you."

Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack, and died.

The wife picked up the card and read, "Spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti. Two with sausage and meatballs, two without."

Two Texans were having the blue-plate special at their favorite watering hole when they heard an awful choking sound. They turned around to see a lady a few bar stools down turning blue from wolfing down an Armadillo burger too fast.

The first Texan said to the other, "Think we ought to help?"

"Yep," said the second Texan.

The first Texan got up and walked over to the lady and asked, "Can you breathe?"

She shook her head no.

"Can you speak?" he asked.

She shook her head no again.;

With that, he helped her to her feet, lifted up her skirt and started to lick her butt. She was so shocked, she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe, with great relief.

The first Texan turned back to his friend and said, "Funny how that Hind Lick Maneuver works every time!"

On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback was sitting at a traffic light, and next to him was a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop said to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?

The kid said, "Yeah."

The cop said, "Well next year, tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike." The cop then proceeded to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid took the ticket. Before he rode off he said, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop said, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid said, "Well next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

A young guy drops off his girlfriend at her home after being out together on a date. When they reach the front door he leans up against the house with one hand and says to her, "How about a blowjob?"

"What! Are you crazy!"

"Don't worry, it will be quick," he ensures his girlfriend.

"No! Someone might see us..."

"It's just a small blowjob," he insists, "and I know you'll like it."

"No! I said no!"

"Baby... don't be like that."

Suddenly, the girl's younger sister shows up at the door in her nightgown, with her hair a mess, and rubbing her eyes. She looks at them and smirks, "Dad says either you blow him, I blow him, or he'll come downstairs and blow the guy himself... but for God's sake tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom."

Every week the teacher gave her students an exceptionally hard question to answer. Since the question was given on a Thursday, the reward for getting it right was permission to skip school the next day, giving them an extra long weekend. No one in the class had ever gotten one of these tough questions right. (An example of one of her questions is: "How many grains of sand are in the sierra desert?")

One day a boy from the class was outside for recess, playing in the bushes. He discovered two black, rubber balls. He had no idea what they were for, so he just shoved them into his pocket.

When recess was over, everyone gathered for the new question of the week. The teacher began to write it on the board. The boy grabbed the balls from his pocket and threw them at the teacher, hitting her in the back of the head! Astonished, the teacher turned around and yelled, "Who's the comedian with the two black balls? "

The boy then said, "Bill Cosby. See ya next week."

A bear and a rabbit were crapping in the woods. The bear turned to the rabbit and asked, "Do you have trouble with crap sticking to your fur?"

The rabbit replied, "No, I don't."

So, the bear picked up the rabbit and wiped his butt with him.

Three women, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead competed in the breast stroke division of an English Channel swim competition--the brunette came in first, and the redhead was a close second. Much later, the blonde finally reached the shore, completely exhausted and near the point of drowning.

After being revived with blankets and coffee, she muttered, "I don't want to sound like a sore loser, but I think those other two girls used their arms."

A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves.

A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves.

A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop an says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically." The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looked up and said, "To your house."

• Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
• I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
• If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.
• Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.
• Guy: "Would you like to dance?"
  Girl: "I don't care for this song and surely wouldn't dance with you."
  Guy: "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants."
• Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I've seem to have lost mine.
• I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.
• You look like a girl that has heard every line in the book, so what's one more going to hurt?
• You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
• You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.
• You be the tree, and I'll wrap you like a Koala.
• Hey baby, I'm like American Express, you don't want to leave home without me.
• Do you have a quarter? My mother told me to call home when I met the girl of my dreams.
• Hey baby, what's your sign? Caution, slippery when wet, dangerous curves ahead, yield?
• I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
• You must be Jelly, cause jam don't shake like that.

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the internal security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash and valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes scattered throughout the bank. The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank's audiotape system, one robber said, "At least we'll have a bit to eat." The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all the safes were opened. They found not one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding. Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. The newspaper headline read: ""IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING