Laughter IS The Best Medicine

• My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.
• The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
• I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
• I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
• I don't exercise at all. If God meant for us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.
• I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
• I have flabby thighs. Fortunately, my stomach covers them.
• The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
• If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
• I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

A man decided to paint the toilet while his wife was away to. His wife came home sooner than he expected, used the toilet, and got the seat stuck to her rear. She was understandably distraught about this and asked her husband to drive her to the doctor. She put a large overcoat on to cover the seat before they went.

When they got to the doctor's office, the man lifted his wife's coat to show him their predicament. The man asked, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"

"Well, yes," the doctor replied, "but never framed."

Well, I've done a little research, and what I've discovered should make anyone think twice before eating that incredibly mind-boggling and oh so dangerous food: Bread!

• More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread eaters.
• Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
• In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever and influenza ravaged whole nations.
• More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
• Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!
• Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low occurrence of radiation poisoning, skin cancer, food poisoning and octogenarians.
• Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after only two days.
• Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter and even cold cuts.
• Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.
• Newborn babies can choke on bread.
• Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.
• Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

There were 11 people hanging onto a rope that came down from a plane. (I don't know how they got there -- it's a joke, okay.) Ten were blonde, and one was brunette. They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn't, the rope would break and everyone would die.

No one could decide who should go, so finally the brunette gave a really touching speech, saying how she would give up her life to save the others.

All of the blondes started clapping.

Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to God's kids. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said was: "Don't."

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit," God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve ... we got forbidden fruit!"

"No way!"

"Yes way!"

"Don't eat that fruit!" said God.

"Why?"

"Because I am your Father and I said so!" said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants? A few minutes later God saw his kids having an apple break and was angry.

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" the First Parent asked.

"Uh huh, " Adam replied.

"Then why did you?"

"I dunno," Eve answered.

"She started it!" Adam said.

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"DID NOT!!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. But there is reassurance in this story. If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give them wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble handling children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

Advice for the day:

If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two and keep away from the children.

Many many years ago when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.

This widow had a grown-up daughter
Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my fathers wife.

To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.

For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widows grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.

Fathers wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughters son.

My wife is now my mothers mother
And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
Shes my grandmother too.

If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.

For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa!

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, Id like to ride in that airplane." And every year Martha would say, "I know, Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

This one year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, Im 71 years old. If I dont ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."

Martha replied, "Stumpy, that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, Ill make you a deal. Ill take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I wont charge you, but if you say one word its ten dollars."

Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.

They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didnt."

Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

• If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
• If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
• If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he
• become disoriented?
• Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?
• What do chickens think we taste like?
• What do people in China call their good plates?
• What do you call a male ladybug?
• What hair color do they put on the drivers license of a bald man?
• When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
• When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time it was to
• set it to?
• Which is the other side of the street?
• Why didnt Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
• Why didnt Noah swat those two flies?
• Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
• Why doesnt glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
• Why dont they call mustaches "mouthbrows?"

• Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
• A day without sunshine is like, night.
• On the other hand, you have different fingers.
• I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
• 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
• 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
• I feel like Im diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
• You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
• I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
• Honk if you love peace and quiet.
• Remember half the people you know are below average.
• Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
• Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.
• Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
• He who laughs last thinks slowest.
• Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
• Eagles may soar, but weasels dont get sucked into jet engines.
• The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
• I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
• I intend to live forever - so far so good.
• Borrow money from a pessimist - they dont expect it back.
• If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
• My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.
• Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
• The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
• Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.

There were three men sitting in a bar drinking. One man said to the other "You know what? I know this bridge where you can jump off and you bounce right back."

So the other man says, "No way that's ridiculous. It simply cannot be possible." The first replies, "Come on, I'll show it to you then." So the men, both quite tipsy, saunter out of the bar and walk to the bridge. When they arrive at the bridge the first man says, "Here I'll show you how it works."

So he climbs up on the edge and jumps off. Seconds later lo and behold the man seems to just bounce back up astounding the second man. The second man says, "Hey man, do that again! I can't believe it..." So the first jumps off again and immediately comes flying back up again.

After seeing this the second man decides to give it a try, after all it all seems quite safe, so he climbs up and jumps off. After a few moments, the second man doesn't return, so the first man walks back to the bar, sits down and orders another drink. The bartender after noticing the second man is missing, turns to the first man and says, "Oh Superman, you're so cruel when you're drunk!"