Laughter IS The Best Medicine

An elderly man was at home, dying in bed. He smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking. He wanted one last cookie before he died.

He fell out of bed, crawled to the landing, rolled down the stairs, and crawled into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking cookies. With waning strength he crawled to the table and was just barely able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet.

As he grasped a warm, moist, chocolate chip cookie, his favorite kind, his wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula.

"Why?" he whispered. "Why did you do that?"

"They're for the funeral."

A primary school teacher in the Bronx decided to see if city kids knew what sounds farm animals made. She asked the kids to put their hands up if they knew the correct sounds.

"Who knows what sound a cow makes?" she asked.

Mary put her hand up and said, "Mooooo!"

"Very good," replied the teacher. "What sound do sheep make?"

"Baaaa," answered Billy.

She continued this for a while. Then she asked, "What sound does a pig make?"

All the hands in the class went up. She was surprised at the response. She chose Little Tyrone at the back of the class. He stood up, took a deep breath, and screamed, "Up against the wall, mutha-fucka!"

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blond employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are, very slowly?"

The blond girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."

A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, "Religion?" The man says, "Methodist."

St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. "Religion?"

"Baptist."

"Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

A third man arrives at the gates. "Religion?"

"Jewish." "Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

The man says, "I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?"

St. Peter tells him, "Well the Catholics are in room 8, and they think they're the only ones here."

Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That is really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names."

Morris hung his head and whispered, "To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago."

The phone rang at FBI headquarters.

"Hello?"

"Hello, is this the FBI?"

"Yes. What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report my neighbor Thibodeaux! He's hiding marijuana in his firewood."

"This will be noted."

Next day, the FBI goons came over to Thibodeaux's house. They searched the shed where the firewood was kept, broke every piece of wood, found no marijuana, swore at Thibodeaux and left.

The phone rang at Thibodeaux's house. "Hey, Thibodeaux! Did the FBI come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yeah dey did."

"Okay, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."

If you should take a tech support call from Frost Bottom or Wartburg, be sure and have these definitions close by:

LOG ON: Making a wood stove hot
LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the woodstove
DOWNLOAD: Gittin the farwood off the truck
MEGA HERTZ: When you're not keerfull gittin the farwood
FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from trying to tote too much farwood
RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood
HARD DRIVE: Gitting home in the winter time
WINDOWS: Whut to shut when it's cold outside
SCREEN: Whut to shut when it's black fly season
BYTE: Whut dem dang flys do
CHIP: Munchies fer the TV
MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag
MODEM: Whatcha do to the hay fields
DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife
LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps
KEYBOARD: Whar you hang the dang truck keys
SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifes
MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn
MOUSE PAD: That's hippie talk fer the mouse home
MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn roof
PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine
ENTER: Northerner talk fer, "C'Mon in y'all"
CLICK: Whut you hear when you cock your gun
DOUBLE CLICK: When the dang gun don't far when you pull the trigger
REBOOT: Whut you have to do right before bedtime when you forgot the kitty's still outside.

A little old couple walked slowly into McDonalds one cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking. "Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"

The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray.

There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking. "That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his French fries one young man stood and came over to the old couple's table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to eat.

The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything.

Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat.

This time the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together.

As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin the young man could stand it no longer.Again he came over to their table and offered to buy some food.

After being politely refused again he finally asked a question of the little old lady. "Ma'am, why aren't you eating? You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?" She answered, "the teeth".

Scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it call "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?