Laughter IS The Best Medicine

• "How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"
• "Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too"
• "Just leave all the lights on -- it makes the house look more cheery"
• "Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it's good for another week"
• "Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day"
• "Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, that's good enough for me."
• "The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here."
• "I don't have a tissue with me... just use your sleeve"
• "Don't bother wearing a jacket -- the wind-chill is bound to improve."

A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.

"Mommy," she said, "can we leave now?"

"No," her mother replied.

"Well, I think I'm gonna be sick, Momma!"

"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and then behind a bush."

After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat.

"Were you sick?" her mom asked.

"Yes."

"How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?"

"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the Sick.'"

An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out, there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so. The mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath. The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby.

"Spank him again," the 5-year-old said. "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place."

A Highway Patrolman waited outside a popular bar, hoping for a bust.

At closing time everyone come out and he spotted his potential quarry. The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his car.

After trying his keys on five other cars, he finally found his own vehicle. He sat in the car a good ten minutes, as the other patrons left. He turned his lights on, then off, wipers on, then off. He started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped.

Finally, when he was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away.

The patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over. He administered the breathalyzer test, and to his great surprise, the man blew a 0.00.

The patrolman was dumbfounded. "This equipment must be broken!" he exclaimed.

"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I am the designated decoy!"

There was an engineer, manager, and a programmer driving down a steep mountain road. The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control. Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowly avoiding careening off the cliff. They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed.

The manager said, "To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through process of exchanging ideas, develop a solution."

The engineer said, "No that would take too long, besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it."

The programmer said, "I think your both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again."

To whom it may concern:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software; severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4 and ClutterEverywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run DiaperChanging 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all purpose utility is of limited effectiveness. Can you help, please!!!!

Thank you

Jane

Dear Jane:

This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible. Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0. In desperation to play some of their "old time" favorite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0. Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support." You will notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with heartbreak 1.3.

I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system. Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults [GPFs]. This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature enter the command "C: I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME." Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications. Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.

TECH TIP!
Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C:IAPOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, to Beer 6.0. Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and SnoringLoudly wav files that are very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip!
Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly. After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6.

A final word of caution!

Do NOT, under any circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shutdown of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled. I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!

Sincerely,

Tech Support

Al Gore and the Clintons are flying on Air Force One. Bill looks at Al, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $10,000 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy."

Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $1,000 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."

Hillary tosses her perfectly sprayed hair and says, "Of course, then, I could throw one hundred $100 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."

Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy."

What is the difference between a harley and a hoover?
The location of the dirt bag.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho cheese.

What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?
Quattro sinko.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.

Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left him.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.

What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A bad golfer goes, whack, damn. A bad skydiver goes damn, whack.

How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it.

How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way, unique up on it.

What do you call skydiving lawyers?
Skeet.

How are a texas tornado and a tennessee divorce the same?
Somebody's gonna lose a trailer.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me . . ."

Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was.... Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupt her.

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It is called Wedding Cake.

Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.

Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: That happens in every country, son.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

A blonde was visiting Washington, DC. This was her first time to the city, so she wanted to see the Capitol Building. Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer for directions.

"Excuse me, officer," the blonde said, "how do I get to the Capitol Building?"

The officer said, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there."

The blonde thanked the officer and he drove off.

Three hours later the police officer came back to the same area, and sure enough, the blonde was still waiting at the same bus stop.

The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol Building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus. That was three hours ago. Why are you still waiting?"

The blonde said, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 45th bus just went by!"

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only a kiss a yard," replied the smirking male clerk.

"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.

The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she said and smiled.