Laughter IS The Best Medicine

The following are all quotes from 11 year olds' science exams:

"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."

"When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire."

"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."

"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold down a deacon over a flame in a test tube."

"When you smell an odourless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide."

"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state."

"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars."

"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."

"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."

"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."

"Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."

"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."

"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."

"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."

"The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, i, o and u."

"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."

"Planet: A body of earth surrounded by sky."

"Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot."

"Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."

"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."

"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."

"For a nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops."

"For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make Artificial Perspiration."

"For Fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor."

"For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."

"For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."

"To prevent contraception: wear a condominium."

"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat."

"To keep milk from turning sour: keep it in the cow."

"The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects."

"The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."

"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."

"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."

"The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."

"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."

"Equator: A managerie lion running around the earth through Africa."

"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."

"Liter: A nest of young puppies."

"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."

A man goes skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready to go.

Excited, he jumps out of the airplane and about five seconds later, he pulls the ripcord. Nothing happens. He tries again. Still nothing. He starts to panic but remembers his back-up chute. He pulls that cord. Nothing happens. He frantically begins pulling both cords but to no avail.

Suddenly he looks down and he can't believe his eyes. Another man is in the air with him, but this guy is going up! Just as the other guy passes by, the skydiver -- by this time scared out of his wits -- yells, "Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?"

The other guy yells back, "No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?"

1. Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
3. Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
4. Only in America... do banks leave safe doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
5. Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
6. Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
7. Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
8. Only in America... do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures."
9. Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering..
10. Only in America... can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box and a draft dodger live in the White House.

Two college seniors had a week of exams coming up. However, they decided to go to a party instead and they didn't get any studying done.

When they went to the test, they decided to tell the professor that their car had broken down the night before due to a flat tire and they needed a bit more time to study.

The professor told them that they could have another day to study.

That evening, both of the boys crammed all night until they were sure that they knew just about everything.

Arriving to class the next morning, each boy was told to go to separate classrooms to take the exam. Each shrugged and went to two different parts of the building.

As each sat down, they read the first question. "For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom."

At this point, they both thought that this was going to be a piece of cake, and answered the question with ease.

Then, the test continued... "For 95 points, tell me which tire it was."

A man flying in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. Reducing altitude, he spotted a man on the ground and descended to shouting range.

"Excuse me," he shouted, "can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him a half hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below responded, "You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees north latitude and between 58 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," responded the balloonist.

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of the information, and the fact is I am still lost."

Whereupon, the man on the ground responded, "You must be a manager."

"That I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the engineer, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have made a promise, which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is, you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."

Engineers and Scientist can never make as much as business Executives and sales people.

This Theorem is supported by a mathematical equation:

Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power

Postulate 2: Time is Money

Any Engineer knows: Power = Work / Time

Since: Knowledge = Power, Time = Money

Then: Knowledge = Work / Money

Solving for Money we get:

Money = Work / Knowledge 

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, Regardless of the work being done. 

Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make.

A farmer with a truck full of animals is on his way to the market for auctioning. He comes upon a hitchhiker and gives the guy a lift. On the way to town, the farmer starts nipping at some home brew, swerves off the road and crashes in a big ditch.

The hitchhiker is thrown out of the truck, and suffers broken ribs, a broken arm, and a busted leg. The farm animals are also seriously messed up. The farmer, who survived with only a few cuts and bruises, gets out of the truck and inspects his animals.

The chickens have broken legs and wings, and can barely move. "These chickens are useless now!" the farmer explodes. "Nobody will buy these chickens!" He grabs his shotgun from the truck and shoots the chickens. 

Next, he sees that the pigs are all busted up and bleeding. "These pigs are worthless, too!" He reloads his shotgun and shoots the pigs. 

The farmer looks at the sheep, which are in the same shape as the chickens and pigs. "Worthless sheep!" he screams. He reloads the shotgun and shoots the sheep. 

The injured hitchhiker witnesses all this carnage in horror. The farmer then moves over to the side of the ditch and looks at the hitchhiker. "Are you okay down there?" asks the farmer. 

Instantly the hitchhiker answers, "NEVER FELT BETTER IN MY WHOLE LIFE!"

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!" (...turn from your sin...)

 The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. Then the woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. 

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture at you." 

"Scripture?" replied the burglar, "She said she had an AXE and two 38s!"

Fourteen things to do at Wal-Mart while the significant other is taking his/her sweet time:

1. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10-minute intervals.
2. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor to the rest rooms.
3. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "I think we have a Code 3 in house wares" . . . and see what happens.
4. Put M&M's on lay away.
5. Move 'CAUTION WET FLOOR' signs to carpet areas.
6. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them if they bring pillows from the bedding department.
7. When someone asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people leave me alone?"
8. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
9. While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
10. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from 'Mission Impossible'.
11. In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.
12. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say "PICK ME! PICK ME!!!!!!"
13. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position and scream, "NO! NO! It's those voices again."
14. Go into the fitting room and yell real loud . . ."Hey, we're out of toilet paper in here!"

At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five-dollar cars that get 1000 miles to the gallon."

Recently General Motors addressed this comment by responding, "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"

And . . .

1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.
2. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart, and drive on.
3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to fail, and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too.
4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT." But then you would have to buy more seats.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.
6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.