Laughter IS The Best Medicine

A businessman from Wisconsin went on a business trip to Louisiana. Upon arrival, he immediately plugged his laptop into the hotel room port and sent a short email back home to his wife, Jennifer Johnson, at her address, [email protected].

Unfortunately, in his haste, he mistyped a letter and the email ended up going to [email protected], a Jean Johnson in Duluth, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away and was buried that day. The preacher's wife  took one look at the email and promptly fainted.

It read, "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here!"

Some men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."

The clerk asked, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"

The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-four."

"All right. How long do you need them?"

The customer paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check."  After a while, the customer returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The man replied, "I agree with you completely." "This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

You Need to Study More Geography If You Think...

• Andes is an after dinner mint
• The Balkans are an alien people on Star Trek
• The English Channel is a TV sitcom about Charles and Di
• The United Kingdom is a cultural theme park
• Butte Montana is Joe's new girlfriend
• Reno Nevada is what you get for being Attorney General
• The Tropic of Cancer is a sunscreen lotion
• The $10,000 Pyramid is in Egypt
• The Gaza Strip is a Middle Eastern folk dance
• The Ring of Fire is the center ring of Barnum and Bailey's Circus
• The Bermuda Triangle is a percussion instrument in a reggae band
• The Cumberland Gap gives out a pair of clogs with every set of jeans sold
• The International Dateline is a new cable TV network
• The Equator is a cartoon action figure
• The Continental Shelf is a specialty section of the supermarket
• An archipelago is a food stabilizer
• The Dust Bowl is Granny's old favorite dish
• A fault is what you find in other people
• A fjord is a Norwegian car
• A mantle is what goes over your fireplace
• Tide is a laundry detergent
• You can do a research paper to find out who killed the Dead Sea

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you  looking for?"

The engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending  on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a five-week  vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching  your retirement fund to 50% of your salary, and a company car leased  every two years, say, a red Corvette?"

The young engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

• You have a kiddie wading pool in the yard, but no small children.
• Lintwheels are on your shopping list every week.
• You have baby gates permanently installed at strategic places around the house, but no babies.
• The trash can is more or less permanently installed in the kitchen sink, to keep the dog out of it while you're at work.
• You can't see out the passenger side of the windshield because there are nose-prints all over the inside.
• Poop has become a source of conversation for you and your significant other.
• Your dog sleeps with you.
• You have 32 different names for your dog. Most make no sense, but the dog understands them all.
• You like people who like your dog. You despise people who don't.
• You carry dog biscuits in your purse or pocket at all times.
• You talk about your dog the way other people talk about their kid.
• You put an extra blanket on the bed so your dog is more comfortable.

Last summer, when the power mower was broken and wouldn't run, Jane kept hinting to Dick, her husband, that he needed to get it fixed, but somehow the message wasn't sinking in. 

She finally thought of a clever way to make the point. When Dick arrived home that day, he found her seated in the tall grass, busily clipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

He watched silently for a short time, then went into the house. Jane thought she had again failed to get his attention. Well, he was gone only a few moments, and when he came out again he handed her a toothbrush saying, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the sidewalks."

God created the mule, and told him, "You will be mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years."

The mule answered, "To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20." And it was so.

Then God created the dog, and told him, "You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years." And the dog responded, "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years." And it was so.

God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting strange. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years." And the monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years." And it was so.

Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years. " And the man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 20 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected." And it was so.

And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting strange to amuse his grandchildren.

And it was so.

Blamestorming:

Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

Body Nazis:

Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.

Cube Farm:

An office filled with cubicles.

Ego Surfing:

Scanning the Net, databases, print media and so on, looking for references to one's own name.

Elvis Year:

The peak year of something's or someone's popularity. "Barney the Dinosaur's Elvis year was 1993."

404:

Someone who's clueless. "Don't bother asking him; he's 404." From the WWW error message "404 Not Found", meanig the requested document couldn't be located.

Idea Hamsters:

People who always seem to have their idea generators running.

Keyboard Plaque:

The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards.

Mouse Potato:

The online, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

Ohnosecond:

That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a big mistake.

Prairie Dogging:

When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

SITCOMs:

What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.

Starter Marriage:

A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.

Stress Puppy:

A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

Swiped Out:

An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

Tourists:

People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists."

Treeware:

Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.

Uninstalled:

Euphemism for being fired.

Xerox Subsidy:

Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description. She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."

The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 8 inches, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."

The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"