Laughter IS The Best Medicine

1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.
2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
3. You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He  emails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?" 
4. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next-door neighbor yet this year.
6. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see contains Echinacea.
7. You check your blow dryer to see if it's Y2K compliant.
8. Your father clogs your e-mail inbox asking you to send him a JPEG file of your newborn so he can create a screen saver for your  mother's "work station."
9. You use your cell phone to see if anyone is home while pulling into your own driveway.
10. Every commercial has a website address at the bottom.
11. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid. One week later you buy an upgrade.
12. The concept of using cash, instead of credit or debit, to make purchase is foreign to you because you want the frequent flyer miles.
13. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.
14. You've lost touch with every family member or friend who has no email address.
15. Second-day air delivery seems painfully slow.
16. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.
17. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes.
18. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
19. You get an extra phone line to get phone calls. It's your "voice line."
20. You turn off your Modem and get this awful feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
21. You get up in morning and go online before getting your coffee.
22. You wake up at 2:00 AM to go to the bathroom and check your E-mail on your way back to bed.
23. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)
24. You're reading this.
25. Even worse: you're going to forward it to someone.
    

I hate this time of year. Not for its crass commercialism and forced frivolity, but because it's the season when the food police come out with their wagging fingers and annual tips on how to get through the holidays without gaining 10 pounds.

Good grief. Is your favorite childhood memory of Christmas a carrot stick? I didn't think so. Isn't mine, either. A carrot was something you left for Rudolph.

I have my own list of tips for holiday eating. I assure you, if you follow them, you'll be fat and happy. So what if you don't make it to New Year's? Your pants won't fit anymore, anyway.

1. About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. Who cares that it has 10,000 calories  in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnogaholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello? Remember college?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards, mate.
10. And one final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips. Start over.

• All power corrupts. Absolute power is kinda neat, though.
• Taxation WITH representation ain't much fun either.
• He who dies with the most toys is still dead.
• I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.
• "Time is fun when you're having flies." Kermit the Frog
• Red meat is not bad for you, but fuzzy green meat is.
• Toilet stolen from police station. Cops have nothing to go on.
• They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
• The Dark Ages was caused by the Y1K problem.
• A fool and his money can throw one heck of a party.
• When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
• Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
• What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
• Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
• If you think there is good in everybody, then you obviously haven't met everybody.
• A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
• Remember: First you pillage, THEN you burn.
• Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
• Failure is not an option. It's bundled with your software.
• Honk if you love peace and quiet.
• Strip mining prevents forest fires.
• A picture may be worth a thousand words, but it uses up a thousand times more memory!
• If a thing is worth doing, wouldn't it have been done already?
• If we weren't meant to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
• Ham and eggs: Just a day's work for a chicken but a lifetime commitment for a pig.

• Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
• Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
• Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
• Is it possible to be totally partial?
• What's another word for thesaurus?
• If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
• If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
• If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
• If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
• Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
• Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
• What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
• Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
• Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure?
• Is there another word for synonym?
• When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
• When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown
• Why do they report power outages on TV?

• 7/5th of all people do not understand fractions.
• 43% of all statistics are worthless.
• 668: The Neighbor of the Beast.
• A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.
• A banker is someone who lends you an umbrella when the sun is shining, and who asks for it back when it start to rain.
• A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.
• Ability can take you to the top, but it takes character to keep you there.
• A bird does not sing because it has an answer -- it sings because it has a song.
• A boy, frustrated with all the rules he had to follow, asked his father, "Dad, how soon will I be old enough to do as I please?" The father answered immediately, "I don't know. Nobody has lived that long yet."
• A brook would lose its song if God removed the rocks.
• A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward.
• A budget is something we go without to stay within.
• A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
• A camel is a horse designed by a committee.
• A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle.
• A candidate is someone who gets money from the rich and votes from the poor to protect them from each other.
• Acceptance of what has happened is the first step to overcoming the consequences of any misfortune. (William James)
• A celebrity is someone who works hard all his life to become known and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
• A child's life is like a piece of paper on which every person leaves a mark. (Chinese Proverb)
• A child will perform from their mind for their coach/teacher, but for a parent they perform from their heart.
• A cigarette is a pinch of tobacco, wrapped in paper, fire at one end, fool at the other.
• A city is a large community where people are lonesome together.
• A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody has.
• A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

 1. I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb ... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

-Dolly Parton-

 2. You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.

-Erica Jong-

 3. I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.

-Rita Rudner-

 4. I've been on so many blind dates, I should get free dog.

- Wendy Liebman-

 5. Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

-Erma Bombeck-

 6. If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.

- Sue Grafton-

 7. I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.

-Roseanne Barr-

 8. I think-therefore I'm single.

-Lizz Winstead-

 9. When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.

-Elayne Boosler-

10. Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.

-Maryon Pearson-

11. I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.

-Gilda Radner-

12. In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman.

-Margaret Thatcher-

13. I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.

-Gloria Steinhem-

14. I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night.

-Marie Corelli-

15. Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths.

-Baroness Edith Summerskill

16. If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?

-Linda Ellerbee

17. I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house.

-Zsa Zsa Gabor-

80,000 blondes meet in the Kansas City Chiefs Stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention. The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"

A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"

After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed.

Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world- wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance."

So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"

After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"

The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened - the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting,

"GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"

The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?"

The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?". Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream...

"GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"

NOTE:  The web site creator is blond :-)

1. When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping.
2. Blaming your farts on me...not funny.
3. Yelling at me for barking... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG YOU IDIOT!!
4. How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything while you're gone. (Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat butt?)
5. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly who's walk is this anyway?
6. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose...stop it.
7. Yelling at me for rubbing my ass on your carpet. Why'd you buy carpet?
8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet...idiot.
9. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.
10. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur? Imbecile.
11. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your shit up when you're not home.
12. When you pick up the crap piles in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?
13. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back.
14. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain, you nitwit.
15. Invisible fences. Why do you insist on screwing with us? To my knowledge, dogdom hasn't yet solved the visible fence problem!!

1. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
2. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
3. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa or under the bed.
4. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.
5. I will not eat the cats' food, before they eat it or after they throw it up.
6. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to get sick.
7. I will not throw up in the car.
8. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. just because I like the way they smell.
9. "Kitty box crunchies," although they are tasty, are not food.
10. I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
11. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
12. I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
13. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
14. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
15. We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
16. I will not steal my mom's underwear and dance all over the backyard with it.
17. The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & dad's laps.
18. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
19. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for mom's driver's license and car registration.
20. I will not play tug-of-war with dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
21. I will not eat mint flavored dental floss out of the bathroom garbage and therefore avoid having a string hanging out of my butt.
22. I will not use "roll around in the dirt" as an option after just getting a bath.
23. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying hello.
24. I will not hump on any person's leg just because I thought it was the right thing to do.
25. I will not fart in my owners face while sleeping on the pillow next to their head.
26. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.
27. The toilet bowl is not a never ending water supply and just because the water is blue, it doesn't mean it is cleaner.
28. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is over
29. Suddenly turning around and smelling my butt can quickly clear a room.
30. The cat is not a squeaky toy so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence. He's allowed to say only two words every 7 years. After the first 7 years, the elders bring him in and ask him for his 2 words. "Cold floors", he says. They nod and send him away. 7 more years pass and they bring him in for his 2 words. He clears his throat and says, "Bad food" They nod and send him away. 7 more years pass and they bring him in for his 2 words. "I quit", he says. "That's not surprising", the elders say... "You've done nothing but complain since you got here!"