Laughter IS The Best Medicine

A man was driving down the road and broke down near a monastery. He  went to the monastery and knocked on the door. An elderly monk  answered the door, and he said, "My car broke down. Do you think I  could stay the night?"

The monks graciously welcomed him into the monastery, fed him dinner,  even fixed his car. As the man tried to fall asleep, he heard a  strange sound. 

The next morning, he asked the monks what the sound was, but they  said, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man was disappointed, but thanked them and went on his way.

Some years later, the same man broke down in front of the same  monastery. The monks welcomed him, fed him, even fixed his car. That  night, he heard the same strange noise that he had heard years  earlier.

The next morning, he asked what the noise was, but the monks  replied, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man said, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. How do I  become a monk?"

The monks replied, "You must travel the Earth and tell us how many  blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When  you find these numbers, you will become a monk."

The man set about his task. Forty-five years later, he returned and  knocked on the door of the monastery. He said, "I have traveled the  Earth and have found what you have asked for. There are  145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand  pebbles on the Earth."

The monks replied, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now  show you the way to the sound."

The monks led the man to a wooden door, where the head monk  said, "The sound is right behind that door."

The man reached for the knob, but the door was locked. He said, "Real  funny. may I have the key?" The monks gave him the key, and he opened  the door. Behind the wooden door was another door made of stone. The  man demanded the key to the stone door. The monks gave him the key,  and he opened it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demanded  another key from the monks, who provided it. Behind that door was  another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had  gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks said, "This is the last key to the last door."

The man was relieved to no end. He unlocked the door, turned the  knob, and behind that door he was amazed to find the source of that  strange sound.

But I can't tell you what it was because you're not a monk.

The Men's ultimate Guide to what a woman really means when she says something. Pay close attention (there might be a quiz later).

You want = You want

We need = I want

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.

Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.

We need to talk = I need to complain.

Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to.

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're...so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I'm on my period.

Be romantic, turn out the lights. = I have flabby thighs.

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.

I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper...

I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white.

Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.

How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.

I'll be ready in a minute. = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.

Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.

You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.

Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]

I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry.

I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

The divorce proceedings had been long, contentious, and extremely heated. Finally, the husband's attorney rose for one last try at a no-alimony divorce.

"Your Honor," he said, "My client sincerely believes his wife is just being ridiculous. Why, most women would love to have a husband who still believes in chivalry; and on the day in question, he was only opening the door for her out of chivalry."

"Counselor," replied the judge, "I am granting the divorce and the settlement Mrs. Smith is asking in its entirely. I simply cannot believe chivalry was the motivation for your client opening that car door--while he was driving down the freeway at 65 mph."

A little boy wanted $100.00 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD, USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton.

The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. President Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD, which read:

Dear GOD, Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those bastards deducted $95.00.

An Amish man answered a knock on his door one morning. An electric company worker handed him a piece of paper stating that the electric company would like to run a power line through his pasture.

The Amish man said, "No, you can not." "Legally, that paper says we can." replied the worker. As he turned and left returning to his co-workers in the field, the Amish man went to his barn and turned his bull into the pasture.

As the bull rumbled toward the workers in the field, the Amish man hollered, "Show him your paper!"

CNN is reporting that it is revisiting the outcome of the CIVIL WAR.

It appears that it was too close to call and the South may still have a chance.

Documents were found that support the fact that some people joined the wrong side-apparently they weren't aware that their states were part of the South and they were fighting for the North.

The line between the North and South was "just too confusing" for some.

A recount of all the battles is being simulated with new populations via computer to see who would have actually won.

Right now it's just too close to call.

Editor's Note:  Ever wonder if George and Al intended to make the 2000 election a mockery?

 An airplane was about to crash, and there were 5 passengers left, but only 4 parachutes. The first passenger, Bill Clinton said, "I am president of the United States, and I have a great responsibility, being the leader of nearly 300 million people, and a superpower,etc.," so he takes the first  parachute, and jumps out of the plane. The second passenger, said, "I'm Antoine Walker, one the best NBA Basketball players, and the Boston Celtics need me, so I can't afford to die" so he takes the second parachute, and leaves the plane.  The third passenger, Hillary Clinton, said, "I am the wife of the President of the United States, a soon to be New York Senator, and I am the smartest woman in the world," so she takes the third parachute and exits the plane. The fourth passenger, Pope John Paul II, says to the fifth passenger, a 10 year old Boy Scout "son you may have my parachute, May you go in the Peace of Christ, so as a Christian, I will lay down my life and let you take the last parachute." The Boy Scout said "It's  OK, Father there's a parachute left for you. The World's Smartest Woman took my backpack."

An atheist was walking through the woods, admiring all that the accidents that evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. 

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. Turning to look, he saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw the grizzly was closing.

Somehow, he ran even faster, so scared that tears came to his eyes. He looked again and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run faster. He tripped and fell to the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but the bear was right over him, reaching for him with its left paw and raising its right paw strike him. At that instant the atheist cried: "Oh my God!...."

Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others that I don't exist and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light: "It would be hypocritical of me to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well" said the voice.

The light went out. The river ran. The sounds of the forest resumed.

...and then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed its head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup.

He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh? The frog repliess, "Ribbit lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one.

The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "Okay, where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "Okay frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures that the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. 

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it.

With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."

Man: Where have you been all my life ? 
Woman: Hiding from you. 

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before? 
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore. 

Man: Is this seat empty? 
Woman: Yes, and mine will be, too, if you sit down. 

Man: Your place or mine? 
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine. 

Man: So, what do you do for a living? 
Woman: I'm a female impersonator. 

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign? 
Woman: Do not enter. 

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning? 
Woman: Unfertilized. 

Man: Your body is like a temple. 
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today. 

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you. 
Woman: But would you stay there? 

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy. 
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.