Laughter IS The Best Medicine

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know five things.
1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde gal.
3 - I'm a 6 foot tall, 200 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

• Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.


• Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.


• Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.


• Stupidity got us into this mess - why can't it get us out?


• Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.


• Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.


• Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.


• An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.


• There is always death and taxes; however death doesn't get worse every year.


• People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.


• It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.


• I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.


• Anything free is worth what you pay for it.


• Indecision is the key to flexibility.


• It hurts to be on the cutting edge.


• If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.


• I don't get even, I get odder.


• In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.


• I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.


• Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.


• I am a nutritional overachiever.


• My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.


• I am having an out of money experience.


• I plan on living forever. So far, so good.


• I am in shape. Round is a shape.


• Not afraid of heights - afraid of widths.


• Practice safe eating - always use condiments.


• A day without sunshine is like night.


• I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.


• If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.


• I am not a perfectionist. My parents were though.


• Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like.


• You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.


• One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.


• It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.


• The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.


• Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.


• Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.


• Age doesn't always bring wisdom, sometimes age comes alone.


• Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.


• You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing.

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund started chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovered that he was lost.

So, wandering about, he noticed a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dachshund thought, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settled down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard was about to leap, the dachshund exclaimed loudly, "Boy! That was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the leopard halted his attack in mid-stride, and with a look of terror slunk away into the trees. "Whew," said the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figured he could put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he went. But the dachshund happened to spy him heading after the leopard with great speed. The monkey soon caught up with the leopard, spilled the beans and struck a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard was furious at being made a fool of and said, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Soon the dachshund saw the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and he thought, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sat down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hadn't seen them yet... and just when they got close enough to hear the dachshund, he said--

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."

1. A rat can last longer without water than a camel.
2. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks or it will digest itself.
3. The dot over the letter "i" is called a tittle.
4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.
5. A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate.
6. A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why.
7. A 2x4 is really 1-1/2 by 3-1/2.
8. During the chariot scene in "Ben Hur", a small red car can be seen in the distance.
9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily world wide!
10. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
11. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.
12. The number of possible ways of playing the first four moves per side in a game of chess is 318,979,564,000.
13. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with orange, purple and silver.
14. The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan". There was never a recorded Wendy before.
15. The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin in World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
16. If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death.
17. Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to s-l-o-w film down so you could see his moves. That's the opposite of the norm.
18. The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the USA".
19. The original name for butterfly was flutterby.
20. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
21. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.
22. Roses may be red, but violets are indeed violet.
23. By raising your legs slowly and laying on your back, you cannot sink into quicksand.
24. Celery has negative calories. It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with.
25. For fun, Charlie Chaplin once entered anonymously a "Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest", and won third prize.
26. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.
27. Sherlock Holmes NEVER said "Elementary, my dear Watson".
28. An old law in Bellingham,Washington, made it illegal for a woman to take more than 3 steps backwards while dancing.
29. The glue on Israeli postage is certified kosher.
30. The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.
31. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a space suit damages them.
32. In the movie Casablanca, Humphrey Bogart never said "Play it again Sam". What he said was "If you can play it for her you can play it for me, so play it".
33. It is impossible to lick your elbow.
34. A crocodile can't stick its tongue out.
35. A shrimp's heart is in its head.
36. In a study of 200,000 ostriches over a period of 80 years, no one reported a single case where an ostrich buried its head in the sand.
37. It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.
38. A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
39. More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.
40. Horses can't vomit.
41. The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.
42. If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die. If you keep your eyes open by force, they can pop out.
43. Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over a million descendants.
44. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.
45. If the government has no knowledge of aliens, then why does Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16, 1969, make it illegal for US citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles?
46. In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
47. 23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting on them and photocopying their butts.
48. Most lipstick contains fish scales.
49. Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.

50. Over 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.

A French teacher was explaining to her class that in French, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. "House" is feminine - "la maison." "Pencil is masculine - "le crayon."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer.'?

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female - and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later review;
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your salary on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer") because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem;
As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.