Laughter IS The Best Medicine

This was emailed to me:

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit blitzed, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him Midnight.

He didn't seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, "We might want to invest in a new 'cuckoo' clock."

When I asked him why, he said..."Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh. shit.", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, hiccupped, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted."

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large, raging violent river.

Needing to get on the other side, the first man prayed, "God, please give me the strength to cross the river."

Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed, "God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river."

Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, "God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross this river."

Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

• FREE PUPPIES: ½ COCKER SPANIEL ½ SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG
• FREE PUPPIES... PART GERMAN SHEPHERD, PART STUPID DOG
• GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
• FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT. BEEN OUT AWHILE.. BETTER BE A REWARD.
• 1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer
• SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE... ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
• COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED... ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
• NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBY
• HUMMERS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER - "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"
• GEORGIA PEACHES, CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb.
• NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE
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• EXERCISE EQUIPMENT: QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS - $175.
• JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300.
• ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER
• OPEN HOUSE: BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON. FREE COFFEE & DONUTS
• (AND THE BEST ONE) - FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything!!

I have a good friend in the brokerage business, and he tipped me off to some great investment opportunities that will be coming along in the next few months. I am sending them to just my close friends, so they can join me in getting in on the ground floor. There are some mergers of big companys in the works, and once completed, they all should all be high flyers.

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R. Grace are merging, and will become Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers are joining to form Polly, Warner Cracker.
3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and will become MMMGood.
4. Zippo Mfg., Audi Motor Car, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge shortly, and become (of course) ZipAudiDoDa.
5. Federal Express is in early talks with their arch rival UPS, and hope to become one company with the name FedUp.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers are merging and will become Fairwell Honey.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants plan to become Poupon Pants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women are planning to merge into Knott NOW.

If I hear of any other good investment deals, I will be sure to pass them on to you. Now, go out and invest wisely.

Investigators at a major research institute have discovered the heaviest element known to science.

This startling new discovery has been tentatively named "ADMINISTRATIUM" (Ad).

This new element has no protons or electrons, thus having an atomic number of ZERO. It does, however, have one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take more than four days to complete when it would normally take less that one second.

Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years. It does not decay but, instead, undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. In fact, an Administratium sample's mass will actually increase over time since, with each reorganization, some of the morons inevitably become neutrons, forming new isotopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Administratium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "the critical morass".

You will know it when you see it.

Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love You!"

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Marty asks,"Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 AM, drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!"

A self-induced hangover - $100.00 Broken furniture - $200.00 Breakfast - $10.00 Saying the right thing - PRICELESS

((((RING))))
<Pick Up>

"Hello?"

"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank"

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Frank"

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"

<Brief Pause>

"Uh, okay then, ..this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the
table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that
Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway"

"Okay Daddy, just a minute"
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone "I did it Daddy"

"And what happened honey?" he asked

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around
screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now
she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he
jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't
know that you took out the water last week to clean it, he hit the bottom of the
pool and I think he's dead"

<Long Pause>

<Longer Pause>

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool??

Is this 555-7039?????

Bill Clinton started jogging near his new home in Chappaqua, but on each run, he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street orner, day after day. With some apprehension he would brace himself as he approached her for what was most certainly to follow.

"Fifty dollars!" she would shout from the curb.

"No. Five dollars!" fired back Clinton.

This ritual between Bill and the hooker continued for days. He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty dollars!" And he'd yell back, "Five dollars!"

One day however, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog. As the jogging couple neared the problematic street corner, Bill realized the "pro" would bark her $50 offer and Hillary would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He realized he should have a darn good explanation for the junior Senator.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Bill became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was the hooker. Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.

Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled, "See what you get for five bucks?"

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

----

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

----

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."

Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds, Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, "Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!"

----

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"

Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

----

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."

Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Testimonials of a few people who did:

1. I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow-job?" turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.
2. I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
3. My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. This my sister has never let me forget.
4. While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I'll tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!". The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.
5. Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you sure you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled: "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing! He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
6. This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. Here's what happens when you predict snow but don't get any. A true story. We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, they were laughing so hard! Now, didn't that feel good?