Laughter IS The Best Medicine

Former Vice President Dan Quayle says that if you take out the profanity, the TV show "The Osbournes" is about good family values. You take out the profanity, and "The Osbournes" is only about 30 seconds long.

A motorist was driving down in the country when he came upon a priest and a rabbi standing on the shoulder of the road, fishing. Next to them was a sign that read "Turn around. The end is near."

The motorist didn't like to be preached to, so he rolled down his window and yelled "Mind your own business, you religious nuts!"

A few seconds later, the two fisherman heard a loud tires screech, then a loud splash. The rabbi turned to the priest and said, "I told you we should've just written, 'Bridge Out'."

Getting a new girlfriend is like joining the army. You get a new haircut, new clothes, and all information is given to you on a need-to-know basis.

• In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks."
• At a teriyaki restaurant: "$3.99 Chicken Bowel!"
• In a Vermont men's store: "25 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!"
• On a shopping mall marquee: "Archery Tournament - Ears pierced"
• In a Mall: "Ears pierced, while you wait"
• In a New Jersey store: "Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?"
• Seen on a Taco Bell sign in Coralville, Iowa: "Everyday low value"
• In a Maine restaurant: "At your service: Open 7 days a week and weekends."
• On a radiator repair garage: "Best place to take a leak."
• In the vestry of a Westminster church: "Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished."
• Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques."
• In an Ohio cemetery: "Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves."
• In Vancouver, British Columbia, on a folding sign in front of a small language school: "English Tootering"
• On a roller coaster: "Watch your head."
• On the grounds of a public school: "No trespassing without permission."
• On a Tennessee highway: "When this sign is under water, this road is impassable."
• In a New Hampshire car wash: "If you can't read this, it's time to wash your car."

Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love You!"

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Marty asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 AM, drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!"

A self-induced hangover - $100.00
Broken furniture - $200.00
Breakfast - $10.00
Saying the right thing - PRICELESS

• Why does a gynaecologist leave the room when the patient gets undressed?
• If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?
• Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
• Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your bum?
• Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?
• Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
• Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
• Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?
• Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
• What do people in China call their best plates?
• Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours when they're both dogs!
• Can blind people see their dreams?
• Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
• If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
• If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
• If a man is talking in the forest, and no woman is there to hear him, is he still wrong?
• Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
• Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
• Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

• If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
• If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?
• Why do we say something is out of whack? What's in whack?
• If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
• Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?
• If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
• When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
• Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
• Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
• When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
• Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
• Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
• Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
• If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
• Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," the woman wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the woman continued, "I wonder then, just how serious is my condition? This prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."

An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods.

Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured over the little guy, reviving him.

"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked. "Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?"

"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything. I'm just glad you're okay, and I apologize. I really didn't mean to hit you." And the golfer walks off.

"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself. "But it was fair and square that he got me, and I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want - a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."

A year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and the American golfer is back On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

"'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"

"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. "In fact, that's the first bad ball I've hit in a year! I'm an internationally famous golfer now."

He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."

"Oh, I'm fine now, thankee. I did that fer yer golf game, ya know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?"

"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. "I win fortunes in golf.

If I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!"

"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?"

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, "It's OK."

"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did good job. How many times a day?"

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week."

"What?!?!" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only once or twice a week?!"

"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an organization...

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a poon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?". "Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift." As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?" "Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of, you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."

"After you get it out, how do you put it back?" Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."