Laughter IS The Best Medicine

To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students...here is something to make you chuckle. Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit!!!!!"

"No Way!"

"Yes way!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.

"Why"

"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants.

A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?" said the Father.

"I don't know ," said Eve.

"She started it!" Adam said

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"DID NOT!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.

Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed

As we now know, Dr. Atkins was 258 lbs. at the time of his death, an obese weight for a man 6' tall.

For those of you who watch what you eat... Here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies:

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.
3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.
4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you!

Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally droppedsome cards on the floor. When he bent down the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head onthe table and emerged red-faced.

Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"

Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500."

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should be at her house around 2 p. m. Friday afternoon. When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 p. m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.

John quickly dressed and left. As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p. m.and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly did John come by the house this afternoon? Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon." Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?" In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500,"

Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!!

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!

The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.

"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

A guy goes to the U.S. Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?"

"Yes," he says. "I was in Viet Nam for three years" The interviewer says,

"That will give you extra points toward employment" and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes 100%...a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."

The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 A.M."

The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M."

"This is a government job" the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls.......no point in you coming in for that

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman pinscher and the other had a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar and get something to drink."

The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The one with the Doberman said, "Just follow my lead."

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, Lady, no pets allowed."

The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Doberman pinscher?"

The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."

The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."

The lady with the Chihuahua figured convincing him a Chihuahua was a seeing eye dog may be too far fetched, but thought! "What the heck", so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.

Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"

The woman with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a f#%kin' Chihuahua???!!"

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."

Rodney Dangerfield

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 500SL."

Lynn Lavner

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."

Camille Paglia

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant."

George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."

Sharon Stone

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."

Tiger Woods

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."

Jack Nicholson !

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."

Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."

Robin Williams

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."

Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."

Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"

Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked'."

Jerry Seinfeld

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."

Robin Williams

"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."

Joan Rivers

"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy."

Steve Martin

"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life."

Elmo Phillips

"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."

Oscar Wilde

"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."

George Burns

Smart Ass Answer #5:

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat....she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

Smart Ass Answer #4:

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Smart Ass Answer #3:

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Smart Ass Answer #2:

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?". The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

And The..........#1 Smart Ass Answer Of The Year:

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand ."

A "Husband Shopping Center" was opened where a woman could go to choose from among many men, to be her husband.

It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended up the floors. However, once you opened the door to any floor you must choose a man from that floor, and if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the center.

So, two girlfriends decide to go to the shopping center to find husbands.

First floor, the door had a sign saying: "These men have jobs and love kids". The women read the sign and say: "Well that's better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they go.

Second floor says: "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking". "Hmmm," say the girls. "But, what could be further up?"

Third floor: "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework". "Wow!" say the women. "Very tempting, BUT, there's more further up!" And so again, they go up.

Fourth floor: "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak." The women were ecstatic. "Oh, mercy me," they cried. "But what must be awaiting us further on?"

So up to the fifth floor they go. The sign on that door said: "This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping and have a nice day!"

A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs:

"Honey, pack your bags, I've won the lottery!"

"The husband says: "Oh my God! What should I pack; beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter" she says "Just get the hell out!"